Part Two: Disengaged Onlookers...
Barbara Coloroso used materials from Dr. Olweus in order to shed some light on the other players in the bullying cycle. The traditional approach to dealing with bullies is to expel the bully and treat the target. What emerges from the newest research and the paradigm shift is the drive to focus efforts on the other players in the bully cycle.
The Disengaged Onlooker(s)
The disengaged onlooker may be the most easily swayed from a position of ignoring the event to becoming involved. The tricky part is that turning the disengaged onlooker into an involved intermediary will take a change in paradigm for parents, teachers and other caregivers. In fact, at the adult level, changing an individual from one to the other may be an impossible task because, "minding my own business" and, "not getting involved if it doesnt concern me" has become deeply engrained.
According to Coloroso's text, The bully, the bullied and the bystander (2003), the disengaged onlookers are among the bystanders who use a variety of reasons not to intervene. Among them are: It's not my problem, She's not MY friend, Kids have a deeply embedded code of silence - also known as, 'snitches get stitches', and it's too big a pain in my brain to get involved. Rather than try and diffuse each one of the reasons, it is more important and practical to figure out ways that the tendency not to become involved is reversed.
One component in the development of a bully is the lack of empathy. Coloroso's text included a suggestion that some of the disengaged onlookers had the potential to be bullies at some point and this may be due to the idea that, a lack of empathy might lead to someone allowing another individual to be abused, harrassed, etc. So a goal to transform an onlooker into an intermediary might be to incorporate activities, or even school incentives, to foster empathy. In older children and adults, role playing might be helpful to this end. The point is to have conversations, provide strategies and commend (not discourage) those folks who come to an authority figure to report they have seen something they think is unacceptable behavior towards others.
Conversations
Conversations about what to do when you see someone doing something unacceptable can come in a variety of ways. For example, some classes do daily roundtable discussions where the class and the teacher can discuss ISSUES, not PEOPLE, that cause dismay in the schoolyard. Workplace employees can do the same thing. Using this strategy allows collaboration and so that the person who did the unacceptable behavior may not feel exposed whch can often lead to defensive strategies rather than listening and participating in problem solving. On the other hand, conversations can come between the authority and the individual who has been pointed out in anonymous reports so the teacher, adult or parent can speak directly to the bully. Recent research has suggested that general, non-specific strategies like "Be Nice" posters in the hallway are less effective than posters that feature directives such as, "DO NOT BULLY!"
Provide strategies
Providing strategies for the bully, who can benefit from having other strategies for getting what they want and for disengaged onlookers, who can benefit from the empowerment that comes from having strategies will help decrease incidents of bullying just by reducing the possibility the bully will need to impose their power on someone else. If I have options for getting what I want, and there are others who have the strategies necessary to intervene - it is likely bullying incidents will decrease. In 2007, (and cited in the previous essay) research was published that isolated two types of bullies - one was proactive and one was reactive. The proactive bully was found to be more vicious and deceitful since the proactive bully was thought-out and planned out using bullying as a means to get what they want {as opposed to the reactive bully who is more impulsive and is reacting to, usually, a stressful situation with aggression}. After being given other strategies, it is possible this motivation to bully will be replaced with more constructive means of achieving the same goal.
Accepting tattling
As documented in previous statements, "tattling" needs to be seen as a positive behavior and at the very most, children who "tattle" a lot can be redirected but sincerely listened to by the teacher, parent or caregiver. Dismissing the child's tale, or worse, punishing or admonishing the child for reporting that they have seen something they think is unacceptable is so far off the mark of how adults ought to respond. It is likely to think that children who are admonished for reporting other children's unacceptable behavior are less likely to report unacceptable behaviors in the future. Therein lies the seed for the disengaged onlooker. Conversely, it is exactly these bystanders that we need to re-engage.
In closing, several roles are involved when a bully strikes. The goal of many recent and effective strategies for ending bullying is to activate, or engage, the bystanders who would avoid intervening. It is often just ONE person who needs to intervene in order to end a bullying event. The disengaged onlooker often stays out of the picture in order to avoid being involved, or because the target isn't a friend or because it just isn't their business. To turn a blind eye on another person's plight is to potentially become a target with no one to turn to for help.
There is an old saying (about the Nazis is where I believe it originates). It goes something like - when they came for the old and feeble, I didn't speak up because I was neither. When they came for the sick and infirmed, I didn't speak up because I was neither. When they came for the Jews, I didn't speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for me - there was no one left to speak up for me. That isn't verbatim, but when the bully has exhausted all targets, they will come for someone else - will you speak up for the weaker and innocent so you can prevent their abuse and stop the bully?
The Disengaged Onlooker(s)
The disengaged onlooker may be the most easily swayed from a position of ignoring the event to becoming involved. The tricky part is that turning the disengaged onlooker into an involved intermediary will take a change in paradigm for parents, teachers and other caregivers. In fact, at the adult level, changing an individual from one to the other may be an impossible task because, "minding my own business" and, "not getting involved if it doesnt concern me" has become deeply engrained.
According to Coloroso's text, The bully, the bullied and the bystander (2003), the disengaged onlookers are among the bystanders who use a variety of reasons not to intervene. Among them are: It's not my problem, She's not MY friend, Kids have a deeply embedded code of silence - also known as, 'snitches get stitches', and it's too big a pain in my brain to get involved. Rather than try and diffuse each one of the reasons, it is more important and practical to figure out ways that the tendency not to become involved is reversed.
One component in the development of a bully is the lack of empathy. Coloroso's text included a suggestion that some of the disengaged onlookers had the potential to be bullies at some point and this may be due to the idea that, a lack of empathy might lead to someone allowing another individual to be abused, harrassed, etc. So a goal to transform an onlooker into an intermediary might be to incorporate activities, or even school incentives, to foster empathy. In older children and adults, role playing might be helpful to this end. The point is to have conversations, provide strategies and commend (not discourage) those folks who come to an authority figure to report they have seen something they think is unacceptable behavior towards others.
Conversations
Conversations about what to do when you see someone doing something unacceptable can come in a variety of ways. For example, some classes do daily roundtable discussions where the class and the teacher can discuss ISSUES, not PEOPLE, that cause dismay in the schoolyard. Workplace employees can do the same thing. Using this strategy allows collaboration and so that the person who did the unacceptable behavior may not feel exposed whch can often lead to defensive strategies rather than listening and participating in problem solving. On the other hand, conversations can come between the authority and the individual who has been pointed out in anonymous reports so the teacher, adult or parent can speak directly to the bully. Recent research has suggested that general, non-specific strategies like "Be Nice" posters in the hallway are less effective than posters that feature directives such as, "DO NOT BULLY!"
Provide strategies
Providing strategies for the bully, who can benefit from having other strategies for getting what they want and for disengaged onlookers, who can benefit from the empowerment that comes from having strategies will help decrease incidents of bullying just by reducing the possibility the bully will need to impose their power on someone else. If I have options for getting what I want, and there are others who have the strategies necessary to intervene - it is likely bullying incidents will decrease. In 2007, (and cited in the previous essay) research was published that isolated two types of bullies - one was proactive and one was reactive. The proactive bully was found to be more vicious and deceitful since the proactive bully was thought-out and planned out using bullying as a means to get what they want {as opposed to the reactive bully who is more impulsive and is reacting to, usually, a stressful situation with aggression}. After being given other strategies, it is possible this motivation to bully will be replaced with more constructive means of achieving the same goal.
Accepting tattling
As documented in previous statements, "tattling" needs to be seen as a positive behavior and at the very most, children who "tattle" a lot can be redirected but sincerely listened to by the teacher, parent or caregiver. Dismissing the child's tale, or worse, punishing or admonishing the child for reporting that they have seen something they think is unacceptable is so far off the mark of how adults ought to respond. It is likely to think that children who are admonished for reporting other children's unacceptable behavior are less likely to report unacceptable behaviors in the future. Therein lies the seed for the disengaged onlooker. Conversely, it is exactly these bystanders that we need to re-engage.
In closing, several roles are involved when a bully strikes. The goal of many recent and effective strategies for ending bullying is to activate, or engage, the bystanders who would avoid intervening. It is often just ONE person who needs to intervene in order to end a bullying event. The disengaged onlooker often stays out of the picture in order to avoid being involved, or because the target isn't a friend or because it just isn't their business. To turn a blind eye on another person's plight is to potentially become a target with no one to turn to for help.
There is an old saying (about the Nazis is where I believe it originates). It goes something like - when they came for the old and feeble, I didn't speak up because I was neither. When they came for the sick and infirmed, I didn't speak up because I was neither. When they came for the Jews, I didn't speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for me - there was no one left to speak up for me. That isn't verbatim, but when the bully has exhausted all targets, they will come for someone else - will you speak up for the weaker and innocent so you can prevent their abuse and stop the bully?