Providing Positive Environments for our Boys in the 21st Century
I recently saw a statistic, later refuted by Snopes.com (https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/mass-shooters-fatherless-us/ ), that virtually all (27 of 28) of the spree shooters over the past two decades came from fatherless homes. That correlation came at a time when studies also featured data that young, white, heterosexual males were abusive and violent toward women because they were "incels" [involuntary celibates, although I will argue no one is voluntarily celibate because even a priest would have sex if given permission. Furthermore, we have a word for anyone, especially males, who think they can have sex with anyone at any time, and that word is rapist. Even further, I will discuss why even the idea that a young man can have sex anytime with anyone is a problem]. Can this anger, hyper-masculinity, frustration and violence be a result of an absence of a father.
Dr. Michael Reichert, author of 2019's "How to Raise A Boy" featured several points that I will pass on to you in the context of my own mission to:
* share best practices,
* create safe, developmentally appropriate, learning environments and,
* prevent bullying and encourage empathy and bystander intervention.
The time is long passed when men need to look inward about many of the topics including interpersonal violence, unplanned pregnancy, and "toxic masculinity."
As a basis for this insight, I point to a study in Reichert from Promundo/USA [https://promunodglobal.org/resources/man-box-study-young-men-us-uk-mexico/# ]. Their overall finding after surveying young men in the United States, United Kingdom and Mexico was that men felt bound to behavior(s) Promundo researchers categorized as the "act-like-a-man" box [2017]. Called the Man Box Study, participants reported some of the behaviors they felt were socially expected and they felt compelled to exhibit (or they knew no better). So, to quote Brad Pitt in "Seven", What's in the box?!" The young men surveyed felt they were compelled, or socialized toward: self-sufficiency (asking for help is unmanly), "acting tough", physical attractiveness (of themselves and others), homophobia (but not attractive toward or for, other men), hyper-sexuality, aggression and control. One devastating correlation from the study showed that many of the men who reported being "in the box"also reported behaving in ways, "more likely to put their health and well-being at risk, cut themselves off from intimate friendships, resist seeking help when they need it, to experience depression, and to think frequently about ending their own life" [p. 15].
Keeping up the facade of "Man-ness" seems to wear on men and that pressure, frustration and cognitive dissonance between the way men might WANT to behave and the way they are EXPECTED to behave may contribute to "losing it." So what is it that compels men to keep to themselves in a box they may not want to be in, or maybe even don't even know they are in? It may be tribalism, cultural, genetic, or anthropological. Regardless of the source, it is the 21st century and men can be insightful, mindful and reflective about who they are and/or what they want to be.
Maybe cultural, possibly anthropological, maybe even tribal, but research is showing that the blueprint for "acting like a man" probably does not come from your genetics. Amy Banks, in Reichert (2019) found that "[people] are built to operate within a network of caring human relationships" [p.23]. She goes on to share her findings: "4 separate neurobiological systems designed to ensure that each person syncs with others:
- the smart vagus system that helps us respond with appropriate emotion in social contexts,
- the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, that moderates our responses to social exclusion and pain,
- the "mirroring system" helping us read others and respond emotionally to them[empathy],
- and the dopamine reward system that governs experiences of pleasure in relationships."
Even from a layperson's perspective, when four systems of the brain are geared toward managing interpersonal relationships, it gives an indication that those interactions have existed for a very long time and must be important.
But those are just the neurobiological blueprints for our brain to follow as a guide when the environment around us gives us input - none of them are set in stone. So we look to anthropology, culture and tribalism. Infants become sensitive to the environment around them - and behaviorism tells us that we tend to mimic behaviors we see being rewarded and tend to stop behaviors we see being punished (but not always). Certainly some subtle behaviors children see become emblazoned in their minds without the benefit of knowing or understanding which are appropriate and which are inappropriate. Still, we have seen lots of examples where children, left to their own devices, will act collectively and generously rather than selfishly (again, not always but the neurobiology suggests the capacity for empathy, acceptance, and care are already there - children look to their environment for externalized behaviors for examples of those characteristics).
What we can do
Let me re-visit what I said earlier, it is time that boys (and their male role models) take responsibility for their roles in interpersonal violence, unplanned pregnancy and "toxic masculinity."
Interpersonal Violence -
I have grown up in areas where scuffing someone's shoes meant a fight. I have also grown up in areas where that reaction was socially unacceptable and totally unexpected. So context matters - but personal decisions do not. A person can choose not to fight. A person can choose not to create a twisted definition of "respect" and then scrounge for bits and pieces of it in the cowering behaviors of others. And don't get me wrong, when people, men or women, engage in football or mixed martial arts or boxing matches, I watch and am a big fan. I tend to believe they are doing it using their free will and we can discuss the notion they didn't have other options some other time over coffee. To me, fighting in a gym and against chosen, moderated opponents is not interpersonal violence. Interpersonal violence is outside the context of professional conflict.
Men, we can choose not to fight - we can choose to walk away - we can choose not to engage - and we can choose not to be goaded into a fight. "Do not let my kindness be mistaken for weakness." This quote, according to all my sources, is attributed to Al Capone (seems ironic considering his crimes) but I heard it first from mixed martial arts fighter, George St. Pierre when another fighter was trying to goad him into a fight outside of their scheduled match (St Pierre ended up winning and breaking the opponents eye socket as well as his will). We can choose to avoid conflict and be a positive role model for our young boys and men. A lot of research shows we have parts of our brains, and our anatomies, built to fight. Evolutionary psychology suggests our eyes are set forward and we walk upright so that we can maneuver through changing environments but also so that other hominids could see our faces to determine friend or foe. But the manner in which we respond to that information is cultural and not exclusively biological or behavioral - we can choose.
Unplanned pregnancy -
I know right? what?! But women don't naturally get pregnant on their own. Single motherhood is especially common in lower socioeconomic areas and to African American women (2010 census). Multi-fatherhood is also very common in lower SES neighborhoods and among African American men (2010 Census). But who might the role models be for young African American males? A long history of families being torn apart by slavery, mass incarceration and reckless decision making by the role models they do have. Rapper DMX, by his own account, has 15 children by 9 different women. This notion that being hypersexual and spreading your seed somehow makes you a more masculine man is just crazy and it is exactly the kind of change men in the 21st century are long overdue making. We must stop this behavior and this belief that if a woman gets pregnant it is somehow only her responsibility. We have to teach our young men that they can keep it in their pants and it is more empowering to them to avoid reckless sexual behavior in the name of masculinity. Walking away from a pregnant woman doesn't make you a man, it makes you an irresponsible coward. We can do better.
But let me go further. In an attempt to create a larger, more comprehensive picture regarding how being responsible, and taking responsibility, can change the landscape for boys and their participation in bullying and a violent environment in general, let me make this point. Bullies often refer to the victim as asking for it - sound familiar? A woman is not "asking for it" if she wears revealing clothing. She's asking for it when she.......ASKS FOR IT! Similarly, a target of interpersonal violence at school, on the bus, on the playground, isn't asking for it when they don't do what you want or won't let someone control them - it is your problem and likely the result of this misogynistic culture in America. But adult men have to be role models for this change in behavior. We have to stop saying that raising our boys is his mother's responsibility. Research shows that when children are infants and up to late toddlerhood, the mother seems to be the main caregiver and role model for children. In fact, they are powerful role models for how to care for other people - nel noddings once wrote, "one must learn how to be cared for...before learning to care for oneself." But, when boys reach the age of early adolescence and truly, when they are about 7 or 8, Siegel and Hartzell in "Parenting from the Inside Out" suggest that, "boys are vulnerable at early adolescence" and Alison Gopnik suggests that mothers and fathers help prepare young boys for unforeseen circumstances when we "foster feelings of support" [Reichert, 26]. When early adolescence and tweenhood emerges, fathers are important role models showing young men how to navigate their world.
"toxic masculinity" -
What is toxic masculinity? The Good Men Project defines it this way,
Toxic masculinity is a narrow and repressive description of manhood,
designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status and aggression.
It’s the cultural ideal of manliness, where strength is everything while
emotions are a weakness; where sex and brutality are yardsticks by which
men are measured, while supposedly “feminine” traits—which can range
from emotional vulnerability to simply not being hypersexual—are the means
by which your status as “man” can be taken away.
You can see, it's completely crap. Flower arranging and poetry may be "feminine" activities, but did you know samurai worked tirelessly to perfect (of which there is no perfection so it is a lifelong pursuit) the art of ikebana and haiku? Manhood and what it takes to be a man, is a socially constructed concept that has 0 basis in neurobiology and the raising of our boys in an environment of toxic masculinity is at a critical point (and yes, Dr. Jordan Peterson is mostly full of crap). We have taken defining parts of what it means to be a man and completely obliterated it in the late 20th century and feminism has contributed to hearing other voices and those voices register as dissonance to many men in our country and this terrifies them.
Chu, in Reichert, wrote, "boys' resistance to embracing their"true selves" often means 'silencing themselves and surrendering their sense of agency' - they give up or fight back in responding to that dissonance. This can lead to teachers and parents to the perception that the boy is disruptive. This can certainly set up inner turmoil and without the emotional tools [remember boys are often told to suck it up] to deal with that dissonance, that tumultuous behavior can be externalized or worse, internalized" [leading to self injury and suicide or violence toward others].
Sharing their feelings of turmoil can be "tough for parents to listen to" because it butts up against "The Box" and our expectations for boys. But this is exactly what our boys need. Boys need parents, adults and teachers to listen without advice or judgment and according to Chu and Reichert, is the, "single most important tool for parents, teachers and caregivers of boys." Boys have emotions and their role models and their influences convince them to suppress them in the name of manhood. It is crucial we provide an environment where they can share their fears, concerns and provide them support and names for a full range of emotions.
Conclusion
Men, our boys need us. All of our boys need all of us. Being a man has a multifaceted, and complex, set of requirements but they do not include misogyny, interpersonal violence, hypermasculinity, hypersexuality, and the suppression of emotional states in the name of hiding weakness. Amy Schalet from the University of Massachussetts, in concluding her research into the effects of closing off to boys emotionally in order to prepare them for "manhood" wrote, "American boys will end up paying a price for a culture that does not support their needs for intimacy." I think we already have and it will only get worse if we do not listen to our boys without judgment or advice and just listen.
Dr. Michael Reichert, author of 2019's "How to Raise A Boy" featured several points that I will pass on to you in the context of my own mission to:
* share best practices,
* create safe, developmentally appropriate, learning environments and,
* prevent bullying and encourage empathy and bystander intervention.
The time is long passed when men need to look inward about many of the topics including interpersonal violence, unplanned pregnancy, and "toxic masculinity."
As a basis for this insight, I point to a study in Reichert from Promundo/USA [https://promunodglobal.org/resources/man-box-study-young-men-us-uk-mexico/# ]. Their overall finding after surveying young men in the United States, United Kingdom and Mexico was that men felt bound to behavior(s) Promundo researchers categorized as the "act-like-a-man" box [2017]. Called the Man Box Study, participants reported some of the behaviors they felt were socially expected and they felt compelled to exhibit (or they knew no better). So, to quote Brad Pitt in "Seven", What's in the box?!" The young men surveyed felt they were compelled, or socialized toward: self-sufficiency (asking for help is unmanly), "acting tough", physical attractiveness (of themselves and others), homophobia (but not attractive toward or for, other men), hyper-sexuality, aggression and control. One devastating correlation from the study showed that many of the men who reported being "in the box"also reported behaving in ways, "more likely to put their health and well-being at risk, cut themselves off from intimate friendships, resist seeking help when they need it, to experience depression, and to think frequently about ending their own life" [p. 15].
Keeping up the facade of "Man-ness" seems to wear on men and that pressure, frustration and cognitive dissonance between the way men might WANT to behave and the way they are EXPECTED to behave may contribute to "losing it." So what is it that compels men to keep to themselves in a box they may not want to be in, or maybe even don't even know they are in? It may be tribalism, cultural, genetic, or anthropological. Regardless of the source, it is the 21st century and men can be insightful, mindful and reflective about who they are and/or what they want to be.
Maybe cultural, possibly anthropological, maybe even tribal, but research is showing that the blueprint for "acting like a man" probably does not come from your genetics. Amy Banks, in Reichert (2019) found that "[people] are built to operate within a network of caring human relationships" [p.23]. She goes on to share her findings: "4 separate neurobiological systems designed to ensure that each person syncs with others:
- the smart vagus system that helps us respond with appropriate emotion in social contexts,
- the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, that moderates our responses to social exclusion and pain,
- the "mirroring system" helping us read others and respond emotionally to them[empathy],
- and the dopamine reward system that governs experiences of pleasure in relationships."
Even from a layperson's perspective, when four systems of the brain are geared toward managing interpersonal relationships, it gives an indication that those interactions have existed for a very long time and must be important.
But those are just the neurobiological blueprints for our brain to follow as a guide when the environment around us gives us input - none of them are set in stone. So we look to anthropology, culture and tribalism. Infants become sensitive to the environment around them - and behaviorism tells us that we tend to mimic behaviors we see being rewarded and tend to stop behaviors we see being punished (but not always). Certainly some subtle behaviors children see become emblazoned in their minds without the benefit of knowing or understanding which are appropriate and which are inappropriate. Still, we have seen lots of examples where children, left to their own devices, will act collectively and generously rather than selfishly (again, not always but the neurobiology suggests the capacity for empathy, acceptance, and care are already there - children look to their environment for externalized behaviors for examples of those characteristics).
What we can do
Let me re-visit what I said earlier, it is time that boys (and their male role models) take responsibility for their roles in interpersonal violence, unplanned pregnancy and "toxic masculinity."
Interpersonal Violence -
I have grown up in areas where scuffing someone's shoes meant a fight. I have also grown up in areas where that reaction was socially unacceptable and totally unexpected. So context matters - but personal decisions do not. A person can choose not to fight. A person can choose not to create a twisted definition of "respect" and then scrounge for bits and pieces of it in the cowering behaviors of others. And don't get me wrong, when people, men or women, engage in football or mixed martial arts or boxing matches, I watch and am a big fan. I tend to believe they are doing it using their free will and we can discuss the notion they didn't have other options some other time over coffee. To me, fighting in a gym and against chosen, moderated opponents is not interpersonal violence. Interpersonal violence is outside the context of professional conflict.
Men, we can choose not to fight - we can choose to walk away - we can choose not to engage - and we can choose not to be goaded into a fight. "Do not let my kindness be mistaken for weakness." This quote, according to all my sources, is attributed to Al Capone (seems ironic considering his crimes) but I heard it first from mixed martial arts fighter, George St. Pierre when another fighter was trying to goad him into a fight outside of their scheduled match (St Pierre ended up winning and breaking the opponents eye socket as well as his will). We can choose to avoid conflict and be a positive role model for our young boys and men. A lot of research shows we have parts of our brains, and our anatomies, built to fight. Evolutionary psychology suggests our eyes are set forward and we walk upright so that we can maneuver through changing environments but also so that other hominids could see our faces to determine friend or foe. But the manner in which we respond to that information is cultural and not exclusively biological or behavioral - we can choose.
Unplanned pregnancy -
I know right? what?! But women don't naturally get pregnant on their own. Single motherhood is especially common in lower socioeconomic areas and to African American women (2010 census). Multi-fatherhood is also very common in lower SES neighborhoods and among African American men (2010 Census). But who might the role models be for young African American males? A long history of families being torn apart by slavery, mass incarceration and reckless decision making by the role models they do have. Rapper DMX, by his own account, has 15 children by 9 different women. This notion that being hypersexual and spreading your seed somehow makes you a more masculine man is just crazy and it is exactly the kind of change men in the 21st century are long overdue making. We must stop this behavior and this belief that if a woman gets pregnant it is somehow only her responsibility. We have to teach our young men that they can keep it in their pants and it is more empowering to them to avoid reckless sexual behavior in the name of masculinity. Walking away from a pregnant woman doesn't make you a man, it makes you an irresponsible coward. We can do better.
But let me go further. In an attempt to create a larger, more comprehensive picture regarding how being responsible, and taking responsibility, can change the landscape for boys and their participation in bullying and a violent environment in general, let me make this point. Bullies often refer to the victim as asking for it - sound familiar? A woman is not "asking for it" if she wears revealing clothing. She's asking for it when she.......ASKS FOR IT! Similarly, a target of interpersonal violence at school, on the bus, on the playground, isn't asking for it when they don't do what you want or won't let someone control them - it is your problem and likely the result of this misogynistic culture in America. But adult men have to be role models for this change in behavior. We have to stop saying that raising our boys is his mother's responsibility. Research shows that when children are infants and up to late toddlerhood, the mother seems to be the main caregiver and role model for children. In fact, they are powerful role models for how to care for other people - nel noddings once wrote, "one must learn how to be cared for...before learning to care for oneself." But, when boys reach the age of early adolescence and truly, when they are about 7 or 8, Siegel and Hartzell in "Parenting from the Inside Out" suggest that, "boys are vulnerable at early adolescence" and Alison Gopnik suggests that mothers and fathers help prepare young boys for unforeseen circumstances when we "foster feelings of support" [Reichert, 26]. When early adolescence and tweenhood emerges, fathers are important role models showing young men how to navigate their world.
"toxic masculinity" -
What is toxic masculinity? The Good Men Project defines it this way,
Toxic masculinity is a narrow and repressive description of manhood,
designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status and aggression.
It’s the cultural ideal of manliness, where strength is everything while
emotions are a weakness; where sex and brutality are yardsticks by which
men are measured, while supposedly “feminine” traits—which can range
from emotional vulnerability to simply not being hypersexual—are the means
by which your status as “man” can be taken away.
You can see, it's completely crap. Flower arranging and poetry may be "feminine" activities, but did you know samurai worked tirelessly to perfect (of which there is no perfection so it is a lifelong pursuit) the art of ikebana and haiku? Manhood and what it takes to be a man, is a socially constructed concept that has 0 basis in neurobiology and the raising of our boys in an environment of toxic masculinity is at a critical point (and yes, Dr. Jordan Peterson is mostly full of crap). We have taken defining parts of what it means to be a man and completely obliterated it in the late 20th century and feminism has contributed to hearing other voices and those voices register as dissonance to many men in our country and this terrifies them.
Chu, in Reichert, wrote, "boys' resistance to embracing their"true selves" often means 'silencing themselves and surrendering their sense of agency' - they give up or fight back in responding to that dissonance. This can lead to teachers and parents to the perception that the boy is disruptive. This can certainly set up inner turmoil and without the emotional tools [remember boys are often told to suck it up] to deal with that dissonance, that tumultuous behavior can be externalized or worse, internalized" [leading to self injury and suicide or violence toward others].
Sharing their feelings of turmoil can be "tough for parents to listen to" because it butts up against "The Box" and our expectations for boys. But this is exactly what our boys need. Boys need parents, adults and teachers to listen without advice or judgment and according to Chu and Reichert, is the, "single most important tool for parents, teachers and caregivers of boys." Boys have emotions and their role models and their influences convince them to suppress them in the name of manhood. It is crucial we provide an environment where they can share their fears, concerns and provide them support and names for a full range of emotions.
Conclusion
Men, our boys need us. All of our boys need all of us. Being a man has a multifaceted, and complex, set of requirements but they do not include misogyny, interpersonal violence, hypermasculinity, hypersexuality, and the suppression of emotional states in the name of hiding weakness. Amy Schalet from the University of Massachussetts, in concluding her research into the effects of closing off to boys emotionally in order to prepare them for "manhood" wrote, "American boys will end up paying a price for a culture that does not support their needs for intimacy." I think we already have and it will only get worse if we do not listen to our boys without judgment or advice and just listen.